Dear John.

     It is 3:03 AM and Dear John is playing on my TV, and I can not fall asleep. Most nights seem like this. I am up to all hours of the night and the only thing I have to keep me company is my TV. How lucky of me. 
    Now back to Dear John, while I watch/listen to this movie, memories rush back to me of watching this movie with my at the time " best friend". We weren't close, but close enough. We would get out of HS early like once a month to go to the movies and it was a blast! I loved it, really did. But than we graduated and now we don't even talk anymore. You see I would always make friends with well off to do people, who didn't have to worry about money or anything. I also have the habit of making friends with people that have a talent that I like/ want. I don't do this on purpose, I really don't it just happens.
   The summer after HS she would always invite me to hang out or go to the movies, I never had the money, or time. Now like I said before we don't even talk. Nothing. Nada. My friends would say that I have a problem of leaving and I guess I do. What this means is that I will hang put with you for a period of time and this I slowly back away. I don't mean to do this. I tell everyone up front and my close and good friends understand this. But I have over the years lost some pretty good friends. And now as I listen to Dear John, my heart hangs heavy, but no tears will flow. Memories of what I have lost sting me.
    But now I feel that I am facing a bigger problem. My best friend of 7 years is slowly pushing me away and I for one understand the whole break thing. But this.. This feels weird. Like she is replacing me and not only me but our other best friend. So now I have a dilemma on my hands. Slowly be pushed or fight back. Any reasonable person would say fight, but I can't. I don't want to hear that she no longer wants to be friends. That would just rip out my heart but at the same time I can't stand the thought of not knowing. Don't get me wrong I have tried asking, but she always replies with IDK. That's not even an answer! I am a person that believes that even if you don't understand why, you know. That behind every IDK is some knowledge of why.
    So tonight while I can't sleep I'll let this thought eat away at me. And maybe some day I'll get able to break past the IDK's and find a answer.  SO, if you ever do read this, maybe you should shoot me a text and explain. Why?

Alone at night By me

Its been a long time since I last wrote. I hope its not too bad.. 

Alone at night,
I wait for the morning light to shine.
To grace me with its warm light, its all knowing light.

Alone at night,
I sit and wait for the fright, to pass.
The days events play fast,
Causing me to crash.

Alone at night,
I wrap myself in a ball
And pray that my strenght wont fall.

Alone at night,
I lie away,
Wondering of I have what it takes,

Alone at night,
I stay awake,
Hoping I wont fall and break.

Alone at night,
I wish I knew,
... I just wish I knew...

Destroyed :

    Love : It can build you up, give you the strongest wings to fly with and in that same token it can destroy you and tare you down. The worst part about watching someone who loves another person is to watch them fall apart from the pain and hurt of love.

    Today my brother was put into boot camp, because of something stupid he did. I fully believe that he deserved what he got, I mean its way better than jail, but the thing that rips me apart is to watch my mother cry over his stupid mistakes. She tried to explain to me that its different when its your own child. That it hurts a million times worst to watch your child fall and not be able to help him up.

   I guess the only thing I really can do is stand by her side and help support her.