LOST:

It's not that I want a different life, because there's nothing really wrong with it. I have a house and I have food and noone that really matters to me is dead, so its a pretty good life.  Its just that I was something different to happen in my life. I hate waking up and already knowing what is going to happen and what I will be doing. I love to get lost and not know where i'll end up. I dislike the idea of doing everything the same all the time and this order explains my life. BORNING!

    I want an adventure, I was to travle the world and get lost in the country side, I want the freedom to go and do whatever I please. I want to find the truest and purest kind of love. I want someone who doesn't like order and who likes crazy, weird, odd, strange things.

        I guess what I am getting at is I am tired of the way my days end everyday. The same way at the same time.

Beneath the Luna Lights

          I can have the happiest day know to man, but when it comes to and end so does the happiness. I spend every night wishing that when I went to sleep, I didn't feel so lonely. Like there is something missing in my life. I have tried many things to fill up the never ending whole, but everything that I try doesn't work.

Not books. Not shoes. Not shopping or even money. Nothing seems to be able to keep this feeling away. I have found some "quick fixes" but they never last long. Its like there is something missing out of my life that I can't find or have no where to look for it. "IT" being whatever the hell keeps me up at night. I always get a feeling like something should be different or that something is going to happen. I get this feeling within my gut that wont leave me the hell alone. So to keep this feeling as far away as possible I keep myself busy.

     I focus on school and working and making myself become something better then I know. I work on hiding what I feel and i work on being stronger and harder. Its not like I have people I can turn to, its not like I have friends to talk to because most of them wouldn't understand the stress and shit that I go through every day. I am the oldest I have to take care of the others. I have to be the stronger one...


    I must say that I have found one thing that helps to keep me from thing of my lonely, stressful life. I only listen to this band when I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I have noway of getting it back.



                                                   H.I.M

Soul Searching.

       lately i have been doing some soul searching, and I have come to the realization that I am pig headed, proud, arrogant, stubborn, and the list goes on and on. The thing is that I don't want to wake up one morning when I am in my 60's and be like I should have Lived my life different. I don't want to regret anything that I have done, or haven't done. For almost all of my life  I have lived it from behind a wall. I have done what ever I could do not to get hurt and as this may seem all good and well, but i feel that I have totally missed out on so many things. I feel like I have just sat back and watched my life go by, with out me in it. So now I want to make a change. I want to start living my life like everyday is my last, because lets face it, tomorrow could. I know that I will have to over come some fears along the way but in the end it will be worth it. I'll have stories to tell and places to see. I want to be the type of person that not scared to live her life.

This just may be an eye opener.

Its not over just yet..

                                                                          It takes a legend, to make a star  

    So I am no down with school and soon I will be working in a real salon. This should be a happy an joyful time for me, but I am way to scared to he happy and joyful. If I am going to tell the truth, I am scared shit less. Now that I am done I have to put on my big girl panties and face the world, BUT I don't feel like I am prepared enough. I know that once I get into a salon that I will learn and pick up all the new ropes.. But what if I fail? I am not good with failure this is a fear of mine.. 

          I know that I just can't sit back and wait for my future, I have to get out in the world and make my own, but what if I'm not strong, or smart enough?? I just can't stand the feeling of fear, it slowly eats away at me.

           So the way that I see it is this. I can either sit back and let my fear control me or take control of my fears.. And make my dream come true..  I may fail, but at least I tried in the first place..

Perfection is Over Rated

I am a single human being, I am NOT perfect and not matter what, I DO make mistakes. I TRY my best and I give my all. Isn't that enough for you anymore? I graduate high school and I am about to do the same for beauty school. I did everything   right, at least I thought so..   If I stay home or go out with my friends I am in the wrong and if I stay home, it most likely ends up in a fight. I try and try again and still it is not enough for you. I don't know what you want out of me or even what you want me to be, but how about we start with this. I am myself. I and a mess up and I make TONS of mistakes. I end up doing things twice because  I never learn the first time around. I am pig headed and I have a thing for fights. I am not proud of this and I do try not to start them, but old habits die hard. I may not clean all the time, but please remember that even on my days off I am tired as all hell. Like I have said times and times before, I am not perfect, so please don't hold it against me.