Giving up Seems like a Pretty Good Idea Right Now.

Ive tried more than anyone knows to get things right, but I can't. Right now I'm working three jobs and don't get me wrong at all I like working. I like being able to walk into a store and buy just what I want. It makes me feel good to have that power. BUT with three jobs comes being tired, mean, unpleasant, and a bitch. My body hates me right now. My back hurts, my feet and my legs do too. On the pulse side I have started to loose weight, now I just don't know if its from all the work I do or from the pills I take to keep myself going. I get one day off a week if you can even call it that.
    So not only am i killing myself working all the time, but just yesterday my dog of 5 years passed away. On Thursday she gave birth to 8 beautiful puppies. I've cried over my dog more than any family member. She was the closet thing I had to a best friend. I wasn't hope when she passed. Found out this morning that her mother died the same way. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Did no one decided to tell us this???????

R.I.P COCO..

      Now I go to work all day to come home to puppies that need to be feed. I love these puppies but I swearer its getting much harder than easier..

THANK YOU!

  I read Post Secrets every week, in hope that next week wont be so bad and that things will get better, like I said " In hope". Reading other peoples secrets in a strange way help me feel better that someone else out there is feeling the same way I do, that I am not alone. That there is others out there like me. I may not know them, but when I need up lifting they were there,  and for that I thank them. All those people will never know JUST how much they have helped me. So again.. I say  THANK YOU!

Dear John.

     It is 3:03 AM and Dear John is playing on my TV, and I can not fall asleep. Most nights seem like this. I am up to all hours of the night and the only thing I have to keep me company is my TV. How lucky of me. 
    Now back to Dear John, while I watch/listen to this movie, memories rush back to me of watching this movie with my at the time " best friend". We weren't close, but close enough. We would get out of HS early like once a month to go to the movies and it was a blast! I loved it, really did. But than we graduated and now we don't even talk anymore. You see I would always make friends with well off to do people, who didn't have to worry about money or anything. I also have the habit of making friends with people that have a talent that I like/ want. I don't do this on purpose, I really don't it just happens.
   The summer after HS she would always invite me to hang out or go to the movies, I never had the money, or time. Now like I said before we don't even talk. Nothing. Nada. My friends would say that I have a problem of leaving and I guess I do. What this means is that I will hang put with you for a period of time and this I slowly back away. I don't mean to do this. I tell everyone up front and my close and good friends understand this. But I have over the years lost some pretty good friends. And now as I listen to Dear John, my heart hangs heavy, but no tears will flow. Memories of what I have lost sting me.
    But now I feel that I am facing a bigger problem. My best friend of 7 years is slowly pushing me away and I for one understand the whole break thing. But this.. This feels weird. Like she is replacing me and not only me but our other best friend. So now I have a dilemma on my hands. Slowly be pushed or fight back. Any reasonable person would say fight, but I can't. I don't want to hear that she no longer wants to be friends. That would just rip out my heart but at the same time I can't stand the thought of not knowing. Don't get me wrong I have tried asking, but she always replies with IDK. That's not even an answer! I am a person that believes that even if you don't understand why, you know. That behind every IDK is some knowledge of why.
    So tonight while I can't sleep I'll let this thought eat away at me. And maybe some day I'll get able to break past the IDK's and find a answer.  SO, if you ever do read this, maybe you should shoot me a text and explain. Why?

Alone at night By me

Its been a long time since I last wrote. I hope its not too bad.. 

Alone at night,
I wait for the morning light to shine.
To grace me with its warm light, its all knowing light.

Alone at night,
I sit and wait for the fright, to pass.
The days events play fast,
Causing me to crash.

Alone at night,
I wrap myself in a ball
And pray that my strenght wont fall.

Alone at night,
I lie away,
Wondering of I have what it takes,

Alone at night,
I stay awake,
Hoping I wont fall and break.

Alone at night,
I wish I knew,
... I just wish I knew...

Destroyed :

    Love : It can build you up, give you the strongest wings to fly with and in that same token it can destroy you and tare you down. The worst part about watching someone who loves another person is to watch them fall apart from the pain and hurt of love.

    Today my brother was put into boot camp, because of something stupid he did. I fully believe that he deserved what he got, I mean its way better than jail, but the thing that rips me apart is to watch my mother cry over his stupid mistakes. She tried to explain to me that its different when its your own child. That it hurts a million times worst to watch your child fall and not be able to help him up.

   I guess the only thing I really can do is stand by her side and help support her.

Single Drop.

I do not care to listen.

Because I have heard more than enough.

Your words hold no water,

Not a single drop.

 

They are weak and as meek,

As you see yourself to be.

No real power, or strength.

Not a single drop.

 

Slowly you are fading,

In to the background.

No amount of pulling can save you,

Not a single drop.

 

Strength comes from within,

Not for what is shown.

It only takes,

one single drop.

Lost. In . Translation

Maybe your not understanding me,
Or maybe its getting lost in translation.

I'm done trying to shout over you,
I'm done trying to be heard.

I have a message, TOO.

Maybe your not understanding me,
OR maybe its not being heard.

My voice will ring clear,
As the bell of the midnight sky.
Listen closely :

 

Understand every word I speak,

Because I am done be over shadowed.

I am too like you,

A person with feeling.
A person you can not walk through.

 

I am ME.

Listen, look, but do not speak.

It is my turn,

So please be meek.

Understand my Translation.

?

     I feel lost, like I don't know who I am any more. Like I have become a shadow of a person that I use to be. I have come so far when the odds were pined agents me. From childhood almost every teacher I had said that I wouldn't become anything because I had a learning disability. That I would end up dropping out and being pegnant by the age of 16. That I wouldn't be somebody.

    I am very proud to say that I have fought and won. I had to fight my whole life for everything that I have ever wanted. I have dealt with being picked on and tortured for most of my childhood, and because of that I am the person I am today. I am strong and hard headed, and I stand up for what I believe in. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see that girl. I see a girl who is so sad that its in her walk. That no matter how much make-up she puts on, she can't hide the sadness in her brown eyes.

      I made the honor roll for most of my life, I graduated not only high school, but beauty school too. I have become somebody, I am somebody  but why can't I see that in the mirror? I spent most of my life with the attitude that if I don't like the way I look, I can just change it. But have I changed it so much that I can't find the real me?

       As I sit here and wounder just what it all means to be the real me, I can't help but go back to what made me. I feel that I have lost all that made me me, that I am just a shell. I don't want to be that person that looks back on there life and wounder what the hell was I thinking? I was to look back and be like ' Yeah I ended up and jail, but I sure had fun doing it'! I don't know who I am, I want to find that out but it will take more that just a day or two to find this strong willed person that I use to be. But do I have what it takes to face my inner demons and look deep enough to find her, and in the end will I even like her?

Cowers die many times before there death, but the valiant only taste death but once

LOST:

It's not that I want a different life, because there's nothing really wrong with it. I have a house and I have food and noone that really matters to me is dead, so its a pretty good life.  Its just that I was something different to happen in my life. I hate waking up and already knowing what is going to happen and what I will be doing. I love to get lost and not know where i'll end up. I dislike the idea of doing everything the same all the time and this order explains my life. BORNING!

    I want an adventure, I was to travle the world and get lost in the country side, I want the freedom to go and do whatever I please. I want to find the truest and purest kind of love. I want someone who doesn't like order and who likes crazy, weird, odd, strange things.

        I guess what I am getting at is I am tired of the way my days end everyday. The same way at the same time.

Beneath the Luna Lights

          I can have the happiest day know to man, but when it comes to and end so does the happiness. I spend every night wishing that when I went to sleep, I didn't feel so lonely. Like there is something missing in my life. I have tried many things to fill up the never ending whole, but everything that I try doesn't work.

Not books. Not shoes. Not shopping or even money. Nothing seems to be able to keep this feeling away. I have found some "quick fixes" but they never last long. Its like there is something missing out of my life that I can't find or have no where to look for it. "IT" being whatever the hell keeps me up at night. I always get a feeling like something should be different or that something is going to happen. I get this feeling within my gut that wont leave me the hell alone. So to keep this feeling as far away as possible I keep myself busy.

     I focus on school and working and making myself become something better then I know. I work on hiding what I feel and i work on being stronger and harder. Its not like I have people I can turn to, its not like I have friends to talk to because most of them wouldn't understand the stress and shit that I go through every day. I am the oldest I have to take care of the others. I have to be the stronger one...


    I must say that I have found one thing that helps to keep me from thing of my lonely, stressful life. I only listen to this band when I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I have noway of getting it back.



                                                   H.I.M

Soul Searching.

       lately i have been doing some soul searching, and I have come to the realization that I am pig headed, proud, arrogant, stubborn, and the list goes on and on. The thing is that I don't want to wake up one morning when I am in my 60's and be like I should have Lived my life different. I don't want to regret anything that I have done, or haven't done. For almost all of my life  I have lived it from behind a wall. I have done what ever I could do not to get hurt and as this may seem all good and well, but i feel that I have totally missed out on so many things. I feel like I have just sat back and watched my life go by, with out me in it. So now I want to make a change. I want to start living my life like everyday is my last, because lets face it, tomorrow could. I know that I will have to over come some fears along the way but in the end it will be worth it. I'll have stories to tell and places to see. I want to be the type of person that not scared to live her life.

This just may be an eye opener.

Its not over just yet..

                                                                          It takes a legend, to make a star  

    So I am no down with school and soon I will be working in a real salon. This should be a happy an joyful time for me, but I am way to scared to he happy and joyful. If I am going to tell the truth, I am scared shit less. Now that I am done I have to put on my big girl panties and face the world, BUT I don't feel like I am prepared enough. I know that once I get into a salon that I will learn and pick up all the new ropes.. But what if I fail? I am not good with failure this is a fear of mine.. 

          I know that I just can't sit back and wait for my future, I have to get out in the world and make my own, but what if I'm not strong, or smart enough?? I just can't stand the feeling of fear, it slowly eats away at me.

           So the way that I see it is this. I can either sit back and let my fear control me or take control of my fears.. And make my dream come true..  I may fail, but at least I tried in the first place..

Perfection is Over Rated

I am a single human being, I am NOT perfect and not matter what, I DO make mistakes. I TRY my best and I give my all. Isn't that enough for you anymore? I graduate high school and I am about to do the same for beauty school. I did everything   right, at least I thought so..   If I stay home or go out with my friends I am in the wrong and if I stay home, it most likely ends up in a fight. I try and try again and still it is not enough for you. I don't know what you want out of me or even what you want me to be, but how about we start with this. I am myself. I and a mess up and I make TONS of mistakes. I end up doing things twice because  I never learn the first time around. I am pig headed and I have a thing for fights. I am not proud of this and I do try not to start them, but old habits die hard. I may not clean all the time, but please remember that even on my days off I am tired as all hell. Like I have said times and times before, I am not perfect, so please don't hold it against me.  

Really in the end its all how you make it.

Really, what does it mean to have a bad day? Does it mean that everything that you have planed for that day went all wrong?


               For the better part of my life this is the way that I thought about things. My day would be all wrong because one thing didn't go right. For example, today I was walking around my house says how horrible my life was, and that no matter what I did nothing goes right. That when ever I get my hopes up something comes along and destroys them all, knocks them down and washes them away with the on coming tied. This has always been my out look on life. If you would to ask anyone I am a Debbie downer. I never see the classes as half full and I am always waiting and watching for the next thing to come up and try to break me down.

         Today my mother told me a story about two men sitting on a bench and the one man is telling the other about how bad his life is and how when ever he tried to take one step forward he gets pushed three back. The second man starts to well up with tears and the first man asks, Are you crying? The second man says, Yes. The first replies with, are you crying over my problems? The second man turns to him and says: No, my wife just died.


       I guess the meaning to this story is no matter how bad you may have it, someone else most likely has it way worst. I guess my new goal is to try to look forward and keep my head and my spirit held high, because not matter how bad my day is, someone else's is a lot worst. I am not perfect but I can atleats try, right?

True me

I am the type of person that keeps my emotions locked away until I blow up. This may not be a healthy way of dealing with my stress, but like I said this is the type of person that I am. Until now...

I do not like blowing up on people who have done nothing wrong to me. I hate the feeling that I get when I scream at a person for no reason other then they asked me a question. Its not right and I should put a stop to this, if only it was so easy. Which as you most likely was able to tell its not. I am a moody teenager who doesn't know just what or who I should be. I am the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeves. I have been told that I am too sensitive and I should have thicker skin. This would be all good and well, if I could find that tough thick skinned girl within myself, which I can't always do. Then I am told to fake it till I make it. Not as easy as this all sounds. I don't want to fake it till I make and, because I am scared that I will fake it so much that I loose the inner me. The sensitive girl that I am. So...

I have been reading this book that I have had for a while, but never got around to reading it. Well it goes on to talk about inner blocks that may cause me to become a walking time bomb. (And no it is not a self help book. Its more like a spiritual guide book.) It goes on to explain how I should address these problems within myself and move forward with my life. Well nonetheless, this is working for me. I at times have a slight case of depression and anger issues. Anyway's, this book has given me the tools to look within myself and come face to face with my demons, and as scary as it may be. Its helped me, Its letting me see the world in a new light and its helping me get over the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeves, but I can be the person that I was meant to be without loosing the true me.

Ocean Tides.

         Okay so I just posted something not even an hour ago but idc. As I sit awake in this fine morning I come to the fact that maybe, just maybe I've pushed everyone that has mattered away from me. That I am slowly losing the only people that truly  matter to me, but I'm just too scared to do anything about it. And now I feel that its is too late.  I kind of always had this feeling that things would come to end like this, I just hoped they wouldn't. I hoped that we would stay friends forever or atleast far longer then this. I sit back and look at all the pictures and think of all the memories and all the friends that have came and gone and now it feels like eeverything is slowly fading into the darkness of time.

     Yes, everyone grows up and everyone moves on but can't I just for a little while hold on to the childhood that too quickly faded  into the teenage years?

     I feel like I am powerless to stop what is happenig with my friendship but at the same time too scared to act because i'm just too afarid of the answer I might get.  Too afriad to hear the truth. In my darkest day I knew that I always had you. That If I had any kinds of problem that I could turn to you. But when a problem arose and I came to you asking for help, you entended your hand. no problem but now everytime I try and talk to you I get no answer back. No call, no text, nothing. You were there when I needed the help, but now that I neded you to hear me, and listen, you have shut me out. If I ever knew that asking you for help would have caused all this, i wouldn't have asked in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I am very greatful for the help that you have given me,a nd I am not being ungreatful at all. I just feel that this whole mess cost me my friendship. I am sorry for asking and I am even more  sorry that I can't ask you. 

            
So I guess I'll just sit back and let the tides of this unstopable ocean whip away all thats not meant to be in my life...

Confused..

I feel very confused. I am about to be down with school if I can get the creits, and I love what I do most of the time, but lately I've been woundering if I made the right choice... I love doing people's hair and making them feel beautieful and happy, and I'm also really good at what I do. When I told everyone that I wanted to become a hairdresser, they all told me it was going to be hard. Its not that I can't or wont do the work, its just that they wont give me the work todo. And when I do get walk-in's there for nails or something else that I don't need and if I say "No" my teachers would send me home.
     Its just that lately in school I feel like I'm not getting any help from my teachers and YEAH I understand very well that I am now a repeater and I should be bring in my own clienst and all but its not really that easy for me. I feel like they just feed me to the wolves and all they care about is the money they get every month.
     I have watched the other girls pay there way out of school I am not able to do this, I have seen people fake haircuts just to get the creits. I am not that type of person to do that. I feel like this school is killing my spirt and I am afraid that I wont want to do what I onced loved when I get done with school. Everyday I go to school and almost everyday I come home crying because I can't deal with the stress and most days I sit in the back reading a book because I have nothing else better to do.
    Someone once told me that if you are happy doing something then you should fight for that something no matter what comes along and tries to stop you. But my question now is, is it worth all the tears and hours that I've put in if in the end I maybe unhappy with my choice?